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Tuesday, July 28, 2015

2 Things That Make You Fat (That You Must STOP Eating NOW if You Want to be Thin)

Hi fat people. I am Jade. I am here to make your life thinner. I have been thin my entire life. Why is this you might ask? Why did I get good genes and you didn't? Well the truth is, my genes are no more adaptable to my environment than yours. If you're born on the same planet as I, you have the right to eat healthy from the start. The only people who can give you crap food is your parents, and if they are the ones doing it to you, well they should be held accountable. But now that you're all grown up, and are in full adulthood, or maybe even a tween or a teen whose fat, and want to lose weight before you end up on TLC's "My 600 LB life" keep reading!!

As someone whose been thin my whole life, it wasn't just having a "good" metabolism. Truth is, we all have a GREAT metabolism for the first 30 years of our life. But what we do in those years will significantly impact how your body treats you from there on.

First off, all *healthy* food which is labeled to make you *think* it's healthy... IS NOT. BEWARE OF SHADY LABELING. This country is all about marketing, sales, gimmicks, and profits. Do not be a sucker. Be smarter than the box.

Here are 2 things you want to stop eating immediately if you are fat and want to be thin:

1. SODA, DIET SODA

Soda is the #1 worst thing you can add to your diet. Even diet soda is bad. They take out the calories from regular soda, but replace it with more sugar. That sugar turns into fat. Your body has no idea what to do with these chemicals that is in soda. It literally can do nothing with them. So today. Stop drinking soda and diet soda... FOREVER.

But.. what? "I love soda," you might say. TOO BAD!

Here's what you do. Go to Whole Foods. Go look for organic labeling. Purchase an organic *ginger beer* or one of their many organic sodas. Buy 1 and only 1. Buy a small one. No liters. No 6 packs. You fat ass. BUY JUST 1 SMALL BOTTLE. Drink it. Be done with it for the entire week. NO CHEATING.

2. SALAD DRESSINGS

Yeah, it says "salad" on it. But it's not a fucking salad. It's a dressing compromised of CHEMICALS which CLOG your body so that it literally can do NOTHING with it. Dressing is nothing but fat and artificial flavors. If you want dressing, here is what you do:

Mix olive oil, apple cider vinegar, honey, salt, and pepper. That is your new salad dressing. Adjust to taste. Don't like it? TOO BAD. You will one day. Right now your taste buds are damaged from all the processed salts and manmade flavors.

If you really want some creamy dressing, buy ORGANIC. Buy Annie's brand. Read the label and make sure the ingredients are organic. Don't buy anything that is not organic. Don't buy anything that has the words "modified" in the ingredients.

*Modified* stands for, MADE IN A LAB. Genetically modified ingredients CHANGE the DNA in your body, which can alter your natural metabolism, causing you to get fatter and fatter.

Now that I have given you two major things to cut out of your diet. Take this advice and practice it today, and this week. Come back when you want to learn more. Thanks!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

America is Stupid And Here's Why

America has got to be the dumbest country in the world.

I don't own a television, but I do watch it from time to time at a friend's house. Let me just say, the amount of crap, garbage, vomit, and rubbish they are shoving down the public's throats and intestinal tract is absolutely appalling.

Who cares what happened on the 5029314 season of "The Bachelor?" Or "The Bachelorette?" They should just change to the name to "Who Am I Going To Have Sex With in 10 Weeks or Less?" That's a little more realistic!

The amount of rambling the hosts do is just a sign of robotic control. Honestly, there's no way you can sit there and do all that without pumping your brain with some sort of mind-numbing chemicals. How do you sleep at night, knowing you didn't speak one single word of intelligence the whole time you were at work?

When I watch shows such as "The Voice" all I see are wannabe artists imitating true artists, kind of like that old Disney show called "Great Pretenders" where they basically lip-synced their favorite artists to a fake crowd. You have everyone already placed in their stereotypes: the shaggy-haired rocker in jeans and a tee, the semi-queen-diva-bee with bright red lipstick and artificially dyed hair, the natural humble country girl with blonde beachy hair who plays an instrument, the gay guy with a dream and a great-for-tv personality, the short haired chubby woman with a great voice whose probably a lesbian but no one really knows for sure. Then you have the judges. My God, the judges who just reek stupidity from the ground up. Here they sit, advertising whatever popular unhealthy sugary drink they're paid to, by placing it ever so perfectly an arm's length from the chest so that everyone can feel like they relate to a celebrity simply because they drink the same fucking beverage.

Who agrees that vocal talent shows have sucked ever since Simon Cowell has left the scene? I don't know about you, but I'm sick of watching Paula Abdul and Jennifer Lopez and whatever other washed up has-been sit there and say, "Omg you were so good. Omg you're so hot. Omg I love you. Omg you're so sweet. Omg you are going to go so far." Then you have the British fill-in who sheds a little bit of truth on the contestants, but never once will he say, "You suck!"

But... people NEED to be told that they're not good, when they're NOT good! People on this earth don't even understand anymore the difference between growing up and being in love with music, and people growing up being in love with the idea of fame from being a musician.

One is selfless, one is selfish. People who love to make and write music love to share it with others and connect to them. People who love to sing and gain recognition are the wannabes who don't care about connecting to the audience, they just want their audience to follow them, and they will do so by pretending to be genuine. When really, they don't fucking care and they just want the fame and money.

That's why REAL bands, REAL musicians have all disappeared from the market. Now, you cannot be an artist unless you're willing to STOP singing about what YOU want to sing, and START singing what the industry wants you to. This includes, songs about sex, alcohol, relationship abuse, pain, heartache, and money.

REAL music used to be about happiness, love, positive relationships, learning from mistakes, and experiences that have encouraged growth in one's life. It is inspirational!

People in this day and age are so focused on material things that it makes me sick. When I see people in high heels, and tight dresses, with their hair curled up from an electrical appliance and a face covered in makeup, I just see how tightly conformed they are to the expectations of the entertainment industry. They truly believe that not being themselves is how to be liked. Basically, they want to go anywhere and feel like all eyes are on them because they look good. I feel exhausted just looking at a person like this.

Most of my days now are just spent wearing no makeup and comfortable clothing. I don't have any reason to dress any other way. Why get dolled up and go out? All it is, is a competition against my fellow female comrades. It just presents animosity and feelings of insecurity. If we all could look at each other without the eye makeup and lipstick, or foundation, and hair highlights, we would all always be aware of the other person's imperfections, and we'd all feel a lot more comfortable. The pressure to be perfect and presentable would be gone.

But no... no big time media industry can capitalize from that. Which is why, there are celebrities and talk shows and competitions on television and in magazines and in grocery store check out lanes. It is all designed to make people feel insecure and make them believe that they have to look like this and that, in order to meet a mate and have sex, or in order to fit in with the ideal crowd.

It's all bullshit!

Please stay tuned for my next segment coming up soon.


Things To Know When Going to a Restaurant

If you have fallen into the service industry and can't get up, out, or around to a better financial source of income, then you will relate to all I have written here. If you have no idea what it is like to be on the other side of the table, well you are in for some cold hard truth. There are a lot of things that happen which the customer does not see and will never see when dining in a restaurant. There are lots of things that customers can do to make the experience nicer for both themselves and the person performing their job. Let's start with these bullet points.

1. A Server is Not There to Read Your Mind

If you waltz into the restaurant and there is no hostess, please look for a sign that says "Please Seat Yourself" or "Please See Hostess For Seating." If you ignore this basic act of using your eyes, and go against the sign's instructions, then the following will happen:

Nobody will be prepared for you.
Hostess will not know that a new person has entered the building.
Server will not know that s/he has been sat with new guest(s).
Guest will feel neglected, ignored, and aggravated that nobody has greeted them.

Guests may wonder the following questions:

Where is the hostess?
Where is my server?
Why is no one taking care of me?

Here are your answers:

Hostess is likely a) bussing tables b) running food c) wiping or setting tables d) assisting servers or other areas of the restaurant e) retrieving new towels or cleaning solution for which to wipe the tables. A hostess will likely return to their station within 2-3 minutes, so if you can bear to wait for 120 seconds in order to receive prompt service, a clean table, and a timely meal... I suggest embracing the virtue of patience when walking through the door. It does pay off.

Your server is running amuck with other tables and has no idea who you are, what table you're at, or if you are their responsibility or not. In fact, they are most likely a) greeting other tables who patiently waited their turn b) filling and delivering drinks for anywhere between 2 and 20 people c) taking and ringing in orders for anywhere between 2 and 20 people d) cleaning tables e) running food f) talking to management about customer related issues g) closing out checks which may or may not be split by the dozens. So you see, a server may have quite a lot of things going on, and standing around looking for new guests who randomly sat down somewhere is not on that priority list when the restaurant is at capacity and everyone is busy.

No one is taking care of you because you decided to take care of yourself from the get-go, which isn't what you're supposed to do when you eat out. You didn't tell a hostess you wanted a table, you sat down on your own accord despite there maybe being a waiting list and a server rotation, and you expected everyone there to read your mind and psychically feel your presence without actually being verbally informed.

Now that we understand that restaurant people are not mind readers, we can move on to the next bullet point.

2. If You Can't Remember Your Server's Face, Don't Expect the Server to Remember Yours

Time and time again, servers deal with customers who like to get up, move around, yell out orders, and basically act out of line. This can confuse a human being. A human being can, actually become confused at who is who when interacting with hundreds of them in a matter of a few hours.

I have been mistaken for other servers over and over again. But for some reason, if the server cannot remember who the customer is, the customer gets aggravated and feels like they are not being paid enough attention to. Here's the thing. When you are moving around, ordering random food and drinks here and there, and treating the place like your own backyard family reunion.. your server isn't going to take you as seriously. You are seen as having childish behavior from that point on, and it is almost always cause for complaints which can be heard in the back of any restaurant because a server is frustrated that you've messed up the order of their table's seats, and now have to rack their brain to figure out what you ordered and where you went in order to properly assess the check without errors. While this is going on in the server's mind, there are also countless annoyances happening in the restaurant such as high noise volume, the sound of clinging dishes, and loud music which will only further complicate the process.

Please, stay in your seat, or wear something that even an idiot couldn't miss, like a big neon shirt to make sure your server does not confuse you with the other similar looking people in the world who all have drinks and food in front of them...

3. If You Plan Take Up a Table All Night, Go to the Bar When You're Done Eating

Nothing is worse for a server who needs to make money and pay bills, than parties who come in, order some food, some drinks, and literally sit there for 3-4 hours. They might cash out after 2 hours, but continue to sit there and enjoy the atmosphere for 2 more. Yeah, sure, you might think you are out of the server's hair, but not really. That server is no longer able to turn that table for new guests. No more money is to be made there. If I have a party of 6 people, and they all order under $20 worth of food, and leave me $3 - $5 a check, that's only around $25. Stretch that over a 3 hour period, and subtract the tip out which servers are required to pay, that server only made around $20 for 3 hours of sitting ducks. Not only did the customers prevent the server from making more than $20, they also made the server wait for 3 hours for them to get up so they could clean the table and go home. So you see... it is quite selfish to do this. If you want to stay, go to the bar! If you want to stay at the table, increase your tip by $5 more every hour. That way the server will feel their time was still valued, and you will have good karma and endless water refills for the night. If you can't afford to do that, maybe you should consider waiting tables for some extra money...

4. Leaving Anything Less than 15% is a Crappy Tip In This Day & Age

I don't care if you are white or black, foreign or native. Please do not go out and order $100 worth of drinks and leave $1 per drink. Just don't. If you are going to spend $100, leave $18 - $20 at the minimum. If you can't do that, then don't spend $100. If you think that's too much, let me just break it down for you.

Your server isn't keeping all of that tip. The bar gets some of it, the hostess and busser gets some of it, and even the back of house staff might get some of it depending on the restaurant policies. Justifying that the server didn't actually "do" anything is a cop out. You still put sales on that server's report. The report does not care that you only ordered alcohol. The report calculates sales percentages and then the computer gives the server a monetary value which he or she must pay to the restaurant. Every sale counts, no matter what it is, or how long you stayed.

5. To-Go Orders Should Be Tipped Fairly

A server who takes a to-go order likely rings it up under their name and thus, this counts as a sale on their report. Thus, the computer will deduct a "tip out" from the sale. if you order $40 - $50 of to-go food and leave nothing, that server is still required to pay a tip out, which can likely be a dollar or two from their pocket to cover the sale. So do us all a favor, leave %10 if you can bear. True, the server isn't providing you table side service. But, they still spoke to you on the phone and provided digital service which was just as important when it came to getting your order written down correctly, cooked promptly, and check processed in a punctual manner. A server shouldn't have to use their table tips to cover the tip out on a to-go order. All sales still go in one pot. The computer does not recognize if it was to-go or not. If you don't believe in tipping for to-go orders from full service restaurants... just cook at home. It's that easy!

6. Leave the Note Writing at Bay Unless It's Positive

Customers who write letters or notes on their checks criticizing the server for their service is just annoying. For those who do not know, nobody wakes up one day and says, "I just dream of being a server! My goal is to be the BEST server in the WORLD. I will do anything to accomplish this. I hope I get all the critiques necessary from random unsatisfied people to make sure I become the greatest server alive."

As much as the customer might like to think this, it's untrue. Servers are just people working a job they would probably rather not be doing. But it's quick, fast, and provides a nice flow of money once you get the hang of it. It's also great when the customers are great! We love when people compliment us. We hate when people pick us apart, especially those who have never once worked as a server but think they could do it better.

When you feel the need to discuss that person's service skills from your biased point of view, I would suggest walking a mile in that person's shoes first. You might actually learn something. People don't improve by reading nitpicking comments about themselves, left by a customer who waited to scribble it down instead of confronting the person or management. There are a million things happening at any given time in a restaurant, and if you come when it's busy, or seat yourself, or wander around, a server can be confused or misread your scenario. You may get ignored, treated like a transient, or forgotten about. It happens. Trying to justify your cheap tip by passively aggressively writing a negative remark to the server just puts a damper on the night, even if the server felt she had done a great job by taking care of everyone and making no mistakes. That server will likely not want to wait on you again because you failed to see the effort and the work put forth to make it all possible. It's not worth it, there's no real money to be made from a person like that, and we really don't have the time or room in our schedules for one arrogant person who will only make our lives harder. We do remember faces of people who treat us poorly and there are select people who I would remember and refuse to serve because in the past, they only brought negativity to my night, which would have been mostly positive had they never showed up.

Now that you know some main points on how to be a good customer, feel free to go wherever you like and take these handy tips with you.